In Which I Return to the First Grade

firstgrade_monkeys

Over the weekend, I took a break from the rigors of college to get grilled on something even more challenging: first grade sentence completion and math equations. I had a pretty tough teacher but I think I did well, all things considered.

Did I mention my niece is one of my favoritest people in the world?

firstgrade_math

This just in: I can still do addition without a calculator!

The classic newbie mistake — I forgot my name! Spoiler: my real name is Uncle Scott. Oh, no! My secret is out!

Also, I got marked down for a “fancy” 2 and because my G looks like an S. T-that’s just how I make them, okay? The school system is crushing my individuality! Fight the power!

firstgrade_theworld

Oh, you mean those people specifically?

My first instinct was to say “flat” but then I decided that that must mean it’s too mainstream. I guess sometimes it’s okay to go with what’s mainstream…

firstgrade_pillowcat

Uh…um, ma’am? Isn’t it spelled “lions?” Are you sure you got your degree at an accredited university?

My bias in the cat/dog debate isn’t too noticeable here, is it?

The goal of these two questions was to think of animals that were similar. I was not told that this was the required format for this section of the exam until after I had finished it. I call shenanigans.

So far, I’m a solid C student. My parents aren’t going to be happy about this.

firstgrade_pushups

Turns out cats can’t really do pushups.

This one’s actually kind of fascinating. The implication being that my niece’s teacher has marked answers of hers as “fiction” before. I guess it makes sense — to make sure kids really know the difference between reality and fiction, but it still makes me feel a little sad. Anyhow, I’m told I didn’t lose any points for a fictional answer. Whew! In that case, forgetting your name automatically drops you to a B- ?! Well, at least it’s not a C again.

As an aside, this kid is either really into cats, or she’s been around me too much and my cat-love has rotted her brain. Seriously, this exam was 50% cat-related questions.

So… when do they start doing long division? Third grade? Well, that gives me two years to study up. At present, I would bomb that test harder than I have ever bombed before.

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